ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
