They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
my god I love twenty year old dicks
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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