my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
