We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
