just come out here and I will go home with you...
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
