He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
