Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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