Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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