So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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