I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
