I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
