The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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