If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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