Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
