So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
