So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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