i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
