I looked at my own cervix.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
