At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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