youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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