Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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