Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I need to sanitize my soul.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
