6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
