I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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