You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
