When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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