The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
