theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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