Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
not ubering you a puppy
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
