Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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