My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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