I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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