I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
