I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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