Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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