Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
