i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
