Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
