I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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