I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
