Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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