You work out of a Hotel?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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