stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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