shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
