If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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