Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
