I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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