apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize