i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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