Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
