i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
