I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
