I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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