She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
