never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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