Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
