I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
