I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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