First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
